Toxic Parents

I have a toxic mother, not just your household Clorox and Ammonia mustard gas kind of toxic, but a complete and total nuclear Chernobyl kind of toxic. The only thing my mother ever did to benefit me was allow my grandparents to raise me. In reality that wasn't for me really, it was for her, a kid really stood in the way of bouncing from guy to guy and getting attention, and taking pills. My mother really is the most selfish person I have ever met.

My understanding of things is that she wasn't always this way, up until around 15 or so she was as pure and honest as if Snow White and George Washington had gotten together and produced this perfect little offspring. Then something happened, or so my grandmother says, my mother went out one night with a friend (a boy) or maybe a group, not sure, and when she came back, she was different. Something happened that night, no one knows what and my mother has never said, but my grandmother swears that was the night that changed her forever. When I think of that, it breaks my heart, to think if that is true, how differently her life could have been. It has taken me years to realize though, that I can't fix that, I can't change it and I can't change her. As much as I would like to.

I loved my mother as child, she was this mythical person I put on a pedestal and thought could do no wrong. She would promise she had sent my birthday present, my Christmas gift must have been lost in the mail, "WHAT!?! I didn't get my Easter card!!" It took me years to realize that she was great at promising things, and terrible at following through. It wasn't about money, even though I know she didn't have a lot, I never wanted anything extravagant, I just wanted her. I was never important enough.

My mother lies and manipulates, she invents reasons to hate people. She was married once to a man with a daughter. She started being horrible to the girl, because she was "lazy" "useless" "a thug" in reality she couldn't handle not being the center of attention. She has faked miscarriages, cancer, she claims to have a plethora of diseases that are killing her. I pity her, because one day she will really be sick, and no one will be there, at least no one that REALLY cares, because she has lied too many times and hurt too many people.

I decided to go no contact with her, it was triggered by a negative paternity with the man she always swore was my biological father, the decision was a long time coming though. It wasn't the negative test that did it, I really believe deep down inside she thought and still wants to believe it is him. It was the way she handled the situation, physical attacks towards a family member, a voice mail on my phone that my husband said was so hateful he wouldn't let me hear it. Most of all though, it was her inability to take responsibility for the situation. It was all about what was done to HER, how SHE was hurt, how SHE was the victim. Never once did she ask how I was handling things, or this poor man who was so accepting of me and who was starting to believe I could be his child. 8 years later and she has yet to apologize for anything.  I have had my daughter since then and have made the decision to remain no contact. I have family members who still have a relationship with her who criticize this decision. They think I am doing it out of spite and anger, and that it is coming from a hateful place, that I am just trying to hurt her

. That couldn't be further from the truth. It has to do with self preservation, with protecting my heart and my child. I have been through things with my mother that no one knows or could ever understand. I don't like the way things are, I wish things could be different. No one likes not having a mother. It still hurts, but I don't grieve anymore. I have moved past it, I don't let it "eat me alive" as some family members have suggested. I have accepted it.