Toxic Parents

I have a toxic mother, not just your household Clorox and Ammonia mustard gas kind of toxic, but a complete and total nuclear Chernobyl kind of toxic. The only thing my mother ever did to benefit me was allow my grandparents to raise me. In reality that wasn't for me really, it was for her, a kid really stood in the way of bouncing from guy to guy and getting attention, and taking pills. My mother really is the most selfish person I have ever met.

My understanding of things is that she wasn't always this way, up until around 15 or so she was as pure and honest as if Snow White and George Washington had gotten together and produced this perfect little offspring. Then something happened, or so my grandmother says, my mother went out one night with a friend (a boy) or maybe a group, not sure, and when she came back, she was different. Something happened that night, no one knows what and my mother has never said, but my grandmother swears that was the night that changed her forever. When I think of that, it breaks my heart, to think if that is true, how differently her life could have been. It has taken me years to realize though, that I can't fix that, I can't change it and I can't change her. As much as I would like to.

I loved my mother as child, she was this mythical person I put on a pedestal and thought could do no wrong. She would promise she had sent my birthday present, my Christmas gift must have been lost in the mail, "WHAT!?! I didn't get my Easter card!!" It took me years to realize that she was great at promising things, and terrible at following through. It wasn't about money, even though I know she didn't have a lot, I never wanted anything extravagant, I just wanted her. I was never important enough.

My mother lies and manipulates, she invents reasons to hate people. She was married once to a man with a daughter. She started being horrible to the girl, because she was "lazy" "useless" "a thug" in reality she couldn't handle not being the center of attention. She has faked miscarriages, cancer, she claims to have a plethora of diseases that are killing her. I pity her, because one day she will really be sick, and no one will be there, at least no one that REALLY cares, because she has lied too many times and hurt too many people.

I decided to go no contact with her, it was triggered by a negative paternity with the man she always swore was my biological father, the decision was a long time coming though. It wasn't the negative test that did it, I really believe deep down inside she thought and still wants to believe it is him. It was the way she handled the situation, physical attacks towards a family member, a voice mail on my phone that my husband said was so hateful he wouldn't let me hear it. Most of all though, it was her inability to take responsibility for the situation. It was all about what was done to HER, how SHE was hurt, how SHE was the victim. Never once did she ask how I was handling things, or this poor man who was so accepting of me and who was starting to believe I could be his child. 8 years later and she has yet to apologize for anything.  I have had my daughter since then and have made the decision to remain no contact. I have family members who still have a relationship with her who criticize this decision. They think I am doing it out of spite and anger, and that it is coming from a hateful place, that I am just trying to hurt her

. That couldn't be further from the truth. It has to do with self preservation, with protecting my heart and my child. I have been through things with my mother that no one knows or could ever understand. I don't like the way things are, I wish things could be different. No one likes not having a mother. It still hurts, but I don't grieve anymore. I have moved past it, I don't let it "eat me alive" as some family members have suggested. I have accepted it.

MIA

So WAY back in February I posted about doing the Family Tree DNA test in hopes of getting one step closer to finding my bio dad. I swabbed my mouth, sent my kit away and waited very impatiently for my results to arrive. It took approximately 5 weeks for the results to come back and my test results were...shocking.

First, I would like to point out how many of these people, matches, "family members" wouldn't even respond to my email! Now, I understand, some people may have changed their email addresses, or may just not want to get involved with some random woman looking for a birth father and opening up a whole big can of worms in their own families, but isn't it common courtesy, we are cousins after all! Most of my matches were 2nd-4th cousin range or 3rd-5th, not super helpful. I did have one "immediate" match though, and I almost peed myself when I saw it. She was listed as a possible half sibling, aunt, or grandparent. I compared matches we had in common thinking that I may have just found a long lost aunt, my father's sister. I sent her an email, she still hasn't responded, either she doesn't use that email address of she was as freaked out as I was. I emailed people we had in common and one very nice lady did respond. We determined we are related on my maternal grandfather's side of the family....wait....hold up.....maternal grandfather....possible aunt, oh yes, my grandfather it would appear had a "love" child. To solidify this possibility my aunt (mother's sister) has also done the test and this woman comes back as a sibling for her. That sure makes things interesting. As of this moment I am unsure how to proceed with that information. My aunt doesn't think we should do anything, she thinks it would just cause too much drama. I on the other hand think I should try reaching out again. Maybe she signed up and did the DNA test looking for her father, I know how that feels. I think I found her on Facebook, but how do you send a message like that? I have temporarily put that on the back burner while I ponder my next move.

Having my aunt do the test was very helpful, or somewhat helpful, I was able to weed out matches we have in common and it has helped me narrow down people who are most likely related to me on my father's side. I had emailed some of these people the first time around, and got very little information. I am considering trying again to see what information I might be able pry out of them. I have discovered I am most likely of a cajun descent on my father's side. Seeing matches, knowing I am just an email away from people who share the same dna as my father is very emotional, and exciting, and confusing, and sad all at the same time. Part of my was thinking, or hoping rather, that just one of them would reach out with open arms and help, really help me. No one has done that yet. What I do know is that of the 3 possible men who I thought my bio dad could be, none of them were cajun that I know of, that doesn't mean much, I don't know anything about any of them really, but that could also mean there is a 4th man out there. I don't know who he could be, and to be completely honest, in a way that up until this second I haven't been, I can't say what the circumstances surrounding my conception was. My mother, for all intent and purpose was a 17 year old runaway, was it a one night stand? Was it a guy she had been interested in? Was I a product of rape? I don't know the answer, and she isn't saying. No matter what it was, I have a right to know, and I will do everything in my power to find out.