"The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step." or so says Lao Tzu. I guess, this is my step, although the past 9 years it has felt more like two steps forward and one step back. I can't say for sure where this blog will lead or what the shining focus will be. I guess the best place to start is the beginning.
I was born 31 years ago to a mother, that just wasn't quite ready for the responsibility, I guess if truth be told, even after 31 years, she still isn't ready. Lucky for me I had grandparents and aunts and uncles who were willing to step up and fill in the gaps, even though there were times my mother didn't make it easy on them. She used me as a pawn in some elaborate chess game, never paying too much attention to me, but always ready to use me in battle when it suited her.
I don't know my biological father, my entire life I was always told his name, and fed lies when I would ask my mother questions, a fairy tale she created in her mind. When I was around 22 I decided it was time to find him, my mother and I already had strained relationship so I did not include her in the search. I located him, let's call him "S" and from the first conversation he was very open to the possibility of being my father. "S" even offered to fly to Texas to meet me. Being the ever cautious soul I am though, I asked for a paternity test. I didn't want to get too close to someone, only to be let down. I think a part of me knew the truth. The day the test came back negative, I was devastated. My mother had no idea what was going on, I had talked to her the day before, just normal every day talk, that was the last time I would speak to her. My aunt confronted her with the test results, in hindsight that was probably not the best decision and let's just say it turned out...badly... After finding out Mother tried to reach out to me, not to apologize, or see how I was doing, or to figure things out, but to leave a voice mail that was so horrible, and hateful, that my husband wouldn't even let me hear it. Mother still insists "S" is my father, unfortunately he has since passed away. I am at an impasse right now, do I continue on? Do I try to sort through the truth and lies, without any help from Mother, to find the truth, whatever that may be, about my biological father, or do I just forget it? I have decided to plow ahead, to do whatever I can to find the truth, even though I may not like the final results. Which leads me to the title of today's blog post. After a short hiatus from the search, I am beginning again, going over my files on possible men who could be my father, and figuring out if there is any one else I can talk to for clues. I also ordered today, from Family Tree DNA, a DNA kit so that I can see if I have any possible relative matches out there, and hopefully that will provide me with some answers. A co-worker asked if I had to spit into a vial or just do a cheek swab, apparently he did it with another company that required a vial of spit, I am hoping for a swab....stay tuned.
I am also a wife, to a wonderful husband, we have been married almost 10 years and he is always willing to put up with the craziness I throw at him with a smile on his face, most of the time. We have a beautiful daughter, who will be 3 soon. We fought hard to get her, almost 7 years of fertility treatment, and fought even harder to keep her when she decided to come 13 weeks early. She is now healthy and amazing, and the strongest human I know.
This post was a little longer than I planned, but that is me in a nutshell, without all the nice filler. A search for a bio dad, a crazy preschooler at home, and a Pinterest page 50 boards long, that's what you can expect to find here, those are the pieces that make the puzzle that is my life.
Until Next Time,
Joy
No comments:
Post a Comment