Then comes baby in the baby carriage.

It seems like every single woman I know of child bearing age got pregnant at the same time, 9 months ago, and now those same women are having their babies. I am happy for them, I really really am, they are my friend's, of course I am happy. I am also jealous, and sad, and angry. It was not easy for me to get pregnant with M, I always knew it would be a little more difficult, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was around 18, but no one took the time to explain to me what that really meant. When O and I got married I made the decision to not go on birth control and let nature take it's course, the problem was, nothing happened, for 5 years, nothing happened. I finally went to my gynecologist who handed me a pill and said see you when you're pregnant. It took me another 6 months to realize that wasn't working and to finally go see a reproductive endocrinologist. We did all the normal things, blood tests, semen analysis (O is such a trooper), checking my tubes, etc., etc., etc., months passed, and even though they were able to get me ovulating, I still wasn't getting pregnant. We decided to try intrauterine insemination, basically they just helped O's little swimmers get closer to where they needed to be. It's no where near as invasive or complex as In Vitro and it worked! February 2011 I was pregnant! March 2011, I miscarried. It was the single most terrible experience of my life. My body had failed me, and I had failed my unborn child, because that is what he was, my child. I say he because we chose to have genetic testing done to determine the cause of the miscarriage, the test came back inconclusive but did reveal that he was a male embryo, my son, the son everyone in the family wanted. I went into a deep depression, I had always said in my heart I always knew I would get pregnant, but I was terrified of staying pregnant, and this just confirmed that fear. 

Months passed, I got to a point where I could not even see a baby in a commercial on TV without breaking down, I missed friend's baby showers because it was too painful. In October 2011 we decided we were ready to try again. We switched doctors after being extremely unhappy with the way our previous doctor had handled things. The first month with we were pregnant. I was so excited and happy, and petrified. I cried because I wasn't having morning sickness, my boobs didn't hurt, I didn't feel pregnant, I wanted to FEEL pregnant. The first ultrasound was terrifying, but there she was, she was there with a little heart beat and everything was perfect. I bought one of those home doppler machines and listened to heart beat just to make sure she was still in there, every day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes at 2am when I got up to pee. I had a picture perfect pregnancy....until 24 weeks. 

It was Easter Sunday and I just felt off, I can't really put my finger on it, but I was off enough that I called my ob/gyn. My doctor was on call and told me I could come into the ER if I wanted but since I couldn't really tell her what exactly was "off" I chose not to. I had a scheduled 24 week appointment that Tuesday and figured I could wait until then. When my appointment day came I was still feeling off and having some back pain but nothing too severe. The doctor and I talked for a minute and she told me that she had been thinking about me, and almost called me in on Monday. She decided to check my cervix, I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. They performed an ultrasound and M looked good. I immediately admitted me to labor and delivery. Once I was stable they made the decision to air lift me to a larger hospital in a much larger city. I was there for three weeks, M was born at 27 weeks, 2lbs 4oz. She spent 92 days in the hospital, had emergency surgery at 5 days old, a second surgery around 2 months, almost died from an infection, but she came home, healthy. You would never know by looking at her the rough start she had. 

O and I made the decision that I would have a trans abdominal cerclage placed, basically they go in and stich the top of my cervix where it meets my uterus, that way if we did have another child we wouldn't have to worry about my cervix failing again.

Another child, do I want another child? Depends what day of the week it is, I would love for M to have a sibling. I see all my friends having babies and I miss that. I would love the chance to do it again. To see what it would be like to go to term, to actually feel my baby move inside me, to leave the hospital with a baby in my arms instead of walking out knowing my baby is laying in an incubator fighting for her life. But babies are expensive, daycare is expensive, and I just don't think we can afford that. I honestly don't see how families do it? $700.00 a month, and I know we live in an area where it is more affordable, some places it can be $1200.00 or more. Could we make it work? Probably. That would mean cutting way back, no more vacations, no more cable (could we live without The Disney Channel and The Walking Dead?), and I just don't know how nutritious hamburger helper and ramen noodles every night really is.  Plus I don't know if I have it in me to go through fertility treatment again, the pills, and the temperatures, the ultrasounds and injections. I would have moved Heaven and Earth to have M, but I just don't feel the same way. Maybe that means I don't want it, not REALLY. Maybe it is all just baby fever from seeing all my friends with their new bundles of joy. Or maybe I am just scared, scared of another miscarriage, scared that I am getting older and the next time it won't be so easy, scared that God will think I am being greedy, that he already gave me such a miracle, who am I to ask for a second one? 

Joy*